GRACE.

For 8 months I was not myself. No one knew the pain I was feeling. No one knew how I really felt behind my smile. No one knew what I was doing. They didn't know because I was ashamed, embarrassed, and wanted to avoid judgement. 

You see, I had become tired. I was tired of feeling lonely and depressed. I was surrounded by people but I was alone. I conjured up the ridiculous idea that if I wasn't married with children by the time I was 30 then my life was meaningless. 

I decided that God was taking too long. For years I prayed for someone to share my life with, someone to love, someone to grow closer to God with, and children of my own to love. 

I decided I'd find him on my own. That was the worst decision I could have made. 

For 8 months I tried to fill the void in my heart with this guy, that guy, this guy again... so forth and so on. I was headed down a terrible path. I wanted so badly to talk about it, for someone to help me, but I was too foolish to ask. 

Finally, I talked to God. I actually talked to him A LOT in those 8 months. I asked him to give me the strength to stop. I knew what I was doing was wrong. The void in my heart didn't get filled, but it got bigger. 

One day I finally decided to stop. I didn't deserve to be treated the way I was being treated. 

I also prayed a very hard prayer. I asked God to give me the strength and courage to accept that the things I want may not be in His will. I want to get married and have children, but I don't know if that's in my plan for life. The overwhelming relief I felt after that prayer was outstanding. 

During those 8 months God offered me grace countless times. More times than I deserved. That's what He does. Even though I was making terrible decisions and felt myself going away from Him; He was still right there every time and He still loved me. 

Suddenly His love became enough. My void was gone. My heart was full. 

I turn 30 this year. I'm nowhere close to being married or having children. Only God knows if I ever will. 

You know what? I'm just fine with that now. The path to being fine with that got really rocky, but my God never left my side! 

Some may call it foolish and impossible

But for every heart it rescues, it's a miracle

It's nothing less than scandalous

This love that took our place

Just call it what it is, call it grace

-"Call it Grace" - Unspoken

To tell you my story... is to tell of Him! Part 2.

I'd like to start by sharing my favorite Bible verse. 

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will hold you up with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10.

I started with my favorite verse because I was once asked what my favorite one was. I didn't have one. I hastily replied with John 3:16 because I knew that one. It was the only one I knew.

I didn't grow up in church. I didn't know much about the Bible. I didn't  know how it felt to have Jesus in my life. I hadn't been to church since I was a little girl. Having a relationship with Jesus was something I really didn't understand. I didn't know what it felt like to have faith in God.

When God started working on my heart I was hesitant at first. I felt like because I didn't grow up in church, because I was already in my 20s, that it was too late. I missed my opportunity. I couldn't be a good christian.

My story of how I came to know Christ began when I just finished college.

I graduated in December of 2008 with my degree in Early Childhood Education. I was excited. I was ready to teach. I had a huge collection of books, supplies, and so many ideas. I even planned the theme of my future classroom.

My plans were shattered when I didn't pass the certification test. It was a huge disappointment. I wasn't going to get the job I hoped for. The job I had worked so hard for. The job I knew I would be passionate about. The job I knew I would be great at.

All of my friends passed the test. They got teaching jobs. They were all loving it.

I did get a job. I wasn't happy. I came home and cried every day. It wasn't where I wanted to be.

God had other plans for me, much bigger plans. Little did I know what He had in store for me.

The day I decided I couldn't work there anymore a friend called me about a job opening at a preschool in a church. I interviewed and got hired. I had no idea that this job at St. Mark would change my life forever.

God knew what He was doing. He put me where I needed to be right when I needed to be there.

I knew I wanted a job working with children. God knew I needed to know Him. God knew St. Mark would be the place I would develop my relationship with Jesus.

Soon St. Mark became my home. The people and their children became my family. I began to understand how much my heavenly Father loves me. I knew what it felt like to have a family. Coming from a broken family and growing up fatherless this meant so much to me.

I think about life before I accepted Jesus into it and I can't imagine how I managed to enjoy it.

I never thought I'd live a life so passionate about my job, children, God, and my church.

Having faith in God hasn't made my life easier by any means. It has made it better. I know that no matter what problems, heartache, or disappointments I have that He will uphold me with his righteous right hand.

Next month I will have been at St. Mark for seven years. Seven years ago I didn't have a favorite Bible verse. Seven years ago I was upset because I wasn't getting the job I wanted. Seven years ago I was disappointed because things were not going my way.

What I actually got was so much more. I got a relationship with Jesus. I got a church family. I got more than I ever thought I would. I got more than I ever thought I deserved.

Sometimes you have to have that moment when God stops you and shows you what He wants you to have.

I didn't know it then but that phone call from my friend about the job at St. Mark was God stopping me and showing me what He wanted me to have.

It didn't matter that I was 22 years old. It didn't matter that I didn't grow up in church. It didn't matter that I hadn't been to church in years. It didn't matter that I didn't have a favorite Bible verse. God wanted me to he His. He never stops wanting you, fighting for you, and loving you.

Through St. Mark and Emmaus I have been shown how to love, how to be compassionate, and how to serve others.

I've become more confident, loving, forgiving, helpful, and courageous.

I've done things I never thought I could do.

I am a better person.

Recently I read a quote in The Resolution for Women that perfectly describes my life.

"Sometimes the greatest miracle of all is the one that happens in your own heart, the change that takes place in you and then surprises you as it filters into the seams and fabric of your whole life. The effects of a changed person on her surroundings can be staggering."

I can't wait to see where God takes me next.

To tell you my story... is to tell of Him! Part 1.

Public speaking has never been easy for me. I remember doing terrible on my speeches in my public speaking class in college. The older I've gotten the easier it has become. 

In January I shared my testimony with my local Emmaus community. I was so nervous to speak in front of people. God was telling me I needed to tell people my story of how I came to know Jesus. I was blessed to have people praying for me and with me, friends there to hear it, and my boss for making me practice several times. I was still incredibly nervous. You know how you feel like your body is just shaking on the inside? That's how I was the entire time I was talking. 

I had so many people come up to me that night and tell me how good it was. People came up to me at church later on and told me how good it was. The most amazing thing from that night was a young guy who was touched by it. 

First, let me give you a short side story. There were people there I knew would cry hearing my story. I knew I couldn't look at them or I would cry. "My people" from church were to the left of me, to the right of me, and directly in front of me. Where in the world could I look without focusing on one of them?

So, I focus on this young guy directly in front of me. I didn't know him. I had never seen him before. I figured he was a safe person to look at. Until shortly into my talk I look at him and he is crying. Hard. After that I just looked at the back wall.

He came up to me afterwards and said he could relate to a lot of the things I said. Our conversation ended with him taking my copy of my talk because he said it was something he'd like to read again. 

That's how God does things. He lays something on your heart that He wants you to do for yourself but at the same time there are others out there that may need it too.

I'll share my testimony in my next post. 

I'm not good at talking to people.

In case you don't know, I am absolutely terrible at small talk with people. Do I want to tell people about my life? Yes! Do I need to talk with people about my heartaches? Absolutely! Aniexty creeps in and I just can't. I keep things to myself and tell a few people the bare minimum. I hate that it makes me nervous to talk to people, even those I'm very close with. 

I decided a blog would be best for me. You can read it. You can not read it. I don't have to say it to your face. Haha.

Stay tuned! I have a lot I've been needing to say.