GRACE.

For 8 months I was not myself. No one knew the pain I was feeling. No one knew how I really felt behind my smile. No one knew what I was doing. They didn't know because I was ashamed, embarrassed, and wanted to avoid judgement. 

You see, I had become tired. I was tired of feeling lonely and depressed. I was surrounded by people but I was alone. I conjured up the ridiculous idea that if I wasn't married with children by the time I was 30 then my life was meaningless. 

I decided that God was taking too long. For years I prayed for someone to share my life with, someone to love, someone to grow closer to God with, and children of my own to love. 

I decided I'd find him on my own. That was the worst decision I could have made. 

For 8 months I tried to fill the void in my heart with this guy, that guy, this guy again... so forth and so on. I was headed down a terrible path. I wanted so badly to talk about it, for someone to help me, but I was too foolish to ask. 

Finally, I talked to God. I actually talked to him A LOT in those 8 months. I asked him to give me the strength to stop. I knew what I was doing was wrong. The void in my heart didn't get filled, but it got bigger. 

One day I finally decided to stop. I didn't deserve to be treated the way I was being treated. 

I also prayed a very hard prayer. I asked God to give me the strength and courage to accept that the things I want may not be in His will. I want to get married and have children, but I don't know if that's in my plan for life. The overwhelming relief I felt after that prayer was outstanding. 

During those 8 months God offered me grace countless times. More times than I deserved. That's what He does. Even though I was making terrible decisions and felt myself going away from Him; He was still right there every time and He still loved me. 

Suddenly His love became enough. My void was gone. My heart was full. 

I turn 30 this year. I'm nowhere close to being married or having children. Only God knows if I ever will. 

You know what? I'm just fine with that now. The path to being fine with that got really rocky, but my God never left my side! 

Some may call it foolish and impossible

But for every heart it rescues, it's a miracle

It's nothing less than scandalous

This love that took our place

Just call it what it is, call it grace

-"Call it Grace" - Unspoken