Letting Go.

I started this blog a few years ago for my own benefit. I needed to talk things out but I was too afraid of the inevitable judgement I felt like I would receive.

So, I guess this blog is like therapy for me. I can tell people about my life without actually having a conversation with them. 

My whole reason for needing this blog as a source of therapy came from unhappiness. A void in my heart. Not being content with the life God had given me. 

For years I struggled with not having a husband or children to love. Because that's all I've wanted for so long. I finally decided that MY plan for my life was way better than HIS plan.

I am so blessed that God still loves me even though I made some stupid decisions because I wanted to follow my plans. 

Let me tell you, sex does not equal happiness. Let me also tell you, even though I was being an idiot God was right there with me. I had unprotected sex, random one night stands, one guy was actually married (I didn't know until after), one guy was a drug dealer (also didn't know until after), some lived in less than desirable neighborhoods, and the only thing I knew about most of them was their first name. 

At one point I didn't even care if I got pregnant. "At least I would I have someone to love", I thought.

God always kept me safe. He alone saved me from so much harm. 

He has also tolerated my stubbornness. 

I've had the honor of giving talks on two separate Emmaus Walks, both of which I refer to my struggles. Each time I gave a talk I felt cured. I'm so naive sometimes! 

I hadn't been "cured" yet because I hadn't let go.

I tried many times to let go. Let my stupid decisions go. I always said to myself, "You're not as bad as you used to be. Once in awhile is okay!"

That once in awhile turned into a guy that didn't understand what the words "no" and "stop" meant. 

That is when God told me I better let it go. And I better let it go right now. 

I read something earlier in the book God Doesn't Fix It that hit me hard. 

To live out God's plans for our lives, we have to LET GO of our dreams. We need to believe that God's plan is better, that his timing his perfect, and with that trust and confidence we sacrifice our dreams. 

I've never let go. I've always been afraid to let go. Why would I let go of my dream to get married and have children? 

Perhaps it's not in God's plan for my life to have those things. Maybe not right now. Maybe not ever.

We don't gain God's blessings by holding on, we gain them by letting go. 

Yesterday in church a statement in the sermon also hit me hard. 

"God cannot bless the person you pretend to be."

For so long I was a good Christian at church, at work, but on the flip side I was running around being ridiculous. I was not a good Christian at all and had so many people fooled.

God will bless me. In his time he will bless me. 

I've stopped pretending to be someone I'm not. 

I've let go of my dream because it was keeping me from God's path for my life. 

It's hard to let go. It's hard to think about my dreams not being part of God's plan for me. 

It's even harder to think about where I'd be right now if God didn't love me enough to walk with me through the darkest valley of my life.