Prayer.

When I pray I typically pray for my needs, health concerns, my family, friends, church, urgent requests I read, but it wasn't until earlier this year I realized I needed to pray for those who have hurt me. I was talking with a friend at a retreat and we were discussing our fathers and the lack of a relationship we have with them. She told me that doesn't stop her from praying for him. He may not be part of her life but he still needs prayer.

I was flabbergasted. Why had I never prayed for my dad? Well, it was because I harbor some deep anger towards him. 

Who am I to decide he doesn't need prayer? He deserves God's grace and blessings just as much as I do. 

Ever since then I've prayed for my dad a lot. I pray that he is happy and healthy and is blessed. 

Earlier tonight I suddenly and randomly got the urge to pray for someone that isn't on my favorite person list. This guy was someone I met during my extremely difficult time last year and he wasn't the best person. He was in and out of my life for a year and was extremely emotionally hurtful. I haven't talked to him in 6 months so when I felt the overwhelming urge to pray for him I almost didn't want to. Well, I didn't right away. Nope. You were mean so I'm not going to pray for you. 

Well, you know God is persistent. So I prayed for him. I have no idea why he needs prayer and I won't ever know but there had to be a reason.

Praying for those who have hurt you, people you don't like, are just as deserving of prayer as you are. 

It can be hard to pray for someone like that but you need to. 

Alone.

Last year I felt so alone and was truly under attack by Satan. Praise God I came out of that darkness and I've even had the courage to speak about it publicly. God is so good. 

There are still times when I can't help but still feel alone. Believe me when I tell you I am no where to the point of where I was last year. Now I rely on scripture and prayer versus guys with bad intentions.

I still feel like I have no one. 

•I'm an only child.
•My family that is local are really just strangers. The rest of them live far away.
•All of my friends are married/engaged/significant other/have kids which means they have more important priorities. 
•I'm not as important to some people as I thought.

I've just got my mom. Bless her heart, it's just been my mom and I my whole life. I love her but sometimes we both need different people. 

I just need a person. 

Someone who can relate to the feeling of being surrounded by people yet all alone. Someone who knows how it feels to be on the outside looking in. Someone who knows how it feels when your heart aches from waiting. 

I feel like I'm being a little selfish. Asking for too much from someone. 

But is it really selfish to just want someone to be there for you?

Life is busy and we all have our priorities (myself included); it would be a better place if we were there for people.

Even as I type this I realize I, too, need to do better about being there for people. Even those friends with bigger priorities need people. 

Father's Day.

Father's Day is just another Sunday for me. 

I didn't meet my dad until I was in middle school. I had the opportunity to try and form a relationship with him shortly after I graduated college.

He said he wanted to get to know me but his actions said otherwise. 

So I gave up. Why bother forcing something you've never even had?

It does make me sad sometimes. I wish I knew what it was like to have a father that loves you.

I know I missed out on a lot of things.

I've even thought about how when (if) I get married I won't have anyone to walk me down the aisle. (I'm a little bit of an over thinker... haha)

You don't have to feel sorry for me though. I have plenty of people that love me. I have a mom that loves me deeply. I have a heavenly Father that loves me unconditionally. 

I know God has a reason for me growing up fatherless. It's not because He wanted me to feel hurt, pain, and brokenness. 

I think that's why I love so deeply. I know what it feels like to have a half full heart. When I love I give it abundantly. You never know when someone needs a little extra. 

I pray I am fortunate enough to have children one day and watch their father love them.

Happy Father's Day to all the dad's out there!

He's greater.

MercyMe's song "Greater" came on the radio yesterday as I was driving to a friend's house. I've heard the song plenty of times, but yesterday it really made me think about things. 
******
Bring your tired
Bring your shame
Bring your guilt
Bring your pain
Don't you know that's not your name
You will always be much more to me
******
Tired, shame, guilt, pain... I know all about those. Why is it so hard for us to realize those things don't define us? Don't you know that's not your name? You will always be much more to me. We will always be more than our sins to God. So, why is it that we struggle to move past them? 
******
Cause I hear a voice and he calls me redeemed
When others say I'll never be enough
And greater is the One living inside of me
Than he who is living in the world
In the world
******
For me "others" is MYSELF. I'm convinced I'll never be enough... a good enough Christian... a good enough person... good enough to get married... good enough to have kids. That's my problem. God doesn't think I'm not good enough. He thinks I am more than enough. Why can't I think the same? I watched Mom's Night Out last night and towards the end of the movie one of the main characters was talking about how she wasn't a good wife, mom, etc. The guy she was talking to said, "You aren't good enough for YOU." 
******
Every time I fall
There'll be those who will call me
A mistake
Well that's ok
******
I've been called a mistake, I've made serious mistakes, but that's okay. I know that in God's eyes I am far from a mistake. The hard part is making yourself realize you're not a mistake. 
*****
There'll be days I lose the battle
Grace says that it doesn't matter
Cause the cross already won the war
He's Greater
He's Greater

I am learning to run freely
Understanding just how he sees me

And it makes me love him more and more
******
These lyrics sum it all up for me. There will be days when I desire things that aren't good for me. There will be days I lose the battle. How can you not love Christ when He loves us unconditionally, every day, all day, over and over. Grace is my favorite word. Grace gives hope. Grace gives comfort! 

We've been studying the book of Daniel in church for several weeks. Let me tell you, Daniel's faith in God was huge. He was up against some very fierce adversaries, but He always kept God as his top priority. 

Pray with me that I turn to God when my faith is tested like Daniel. 

I hate when I can't sleep.

I'm a huge fan of naps. I don't know why I continue to take naps, because I know it will just keep me up at night.

When I'm up I start thinking. Then I get sad. Sometimes I cry. Then I tell myself to get over it. Sometimes I pray. Eventually I go to sleep.

Tonight I am thinking about how I am dreading getting up in the morning. Not because I don't want to go to work; I truly love working with the kids I'm fortunate to have in my class. 

I dread going to work because I get tired of doing the same thing every single day. 

Monday through Friday I go to work and work harder than I probably should. I am happy, loving, and silly even when I feel broken, useless, and sad on the inside. After work I come home. On Saturday I usually do absolutely nothing. Except take a few naps. Sunday I go to church. Of course, there's various things during the week when I do something for someone because I enjoy serving others. 

Nothing in my week-to-week life changes. Sometimes I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. 

I want change, but then I am way too scared to actually change anything. 

I want something different, but then I'm extremely comfortable right where I'm at. 

I feel like my life is extremely mundane, boring, repetitive, and lackluster. 

I'm afraid I'm going to look back on my life one day and all I'll remember is working. 

This time last year I was also tired with my boring life and I decided to try to change it and I failed miserably. 

Last year I didn't go to God first. 

I have to admit I'm struggling to go to Him now.

I feel bad for not trusting God and for not being content with what He does provide me with. 

Now I'm angry with myself. Angry for how I feel. 

I know that if I go to God and leave it all in His hands my mind will stop this horrible attack on my heart and I'll get some sleep.

Disappointment.

That friend we thought would be in our life forever.

The job we wanted but didn't get. 

A parent that doesn't have the desire to be part of your life.

Family members that are strangers.

The last page of a good book. 

When you work hard at something only to fail miserably. 

Being lied to. 

When the person you want to win Dancing with the Stars doesn't. 
**********************************************
Life is full of disappointments.

It's about how you react to these disappointments.

I'll be honest. I don't always react the right way.

I put myself in control instead of remembering that God has this under control.

I didn't react the right way to my most recent disappointment. 

I met a guy. We both knew what we were looking for and not looking for. We hung out. It was great. I thought he was completely different than the guys in the past. 

Turns out he's just the same. I'm not sure what happened but suddenly he became too busy.

I was mad. I hate being lied to. I was frustrated. I was sad. 

I decided to just be sad. Let me just feel sorry for myself. 

It took me a few days to get over myself and to remind myself that God is in control. It doesn't make much sense to me... why I keep letting myself get hurt.

When you think about it disappointments don't make sense at all.

Until you realize God has a plan for everything in your life. It all matters. It all has a purpose. It all makes you who you are. 

Our disappointments shouldn't steer us away from God. They should make us run to him. Pray to him. Ask him to help us understand. 

The anger, frustration, and sadness easily comes out 
when we're disappointed. 

Instead of letting those things out we need to let God in.

Father, help me to immediately rely on you when I'm disappointed. Help me to ask you for discernment and guidance when I just don't understand. Amen. 

Tired.

I've been doing so much better with my loneliness and depression the last few months. When you stop focusing on what you DON'T have and choose to focus on what God has given you it becomes easier to be happy. 

But some days I can't help but feel tired. Not so much physically tired but emotionally.

I feel tired of doing the same thing with my life day after day.

I feel tired of not having my own children to love.

I feel tired of always helping others.

I feel tired of being a hard worker.

I feel tired of caring so much.

All these things make me who I am. I care about people deeply, I love so many children, I work hard, I care about my job, I am a servant, I love to do things for others. 

The devil is a jerk. He just can't let you be happy. He doesn't like when God is working in your life. The devil gets jealous. He wants you to be irritated. He wants you to be mad at God. So he put these thoughts in your head. These negative thoughts that bring you down. 

I hear you, devil. I'm choosing not to listen to you. 

I am blessed to have the life I do. It could be worse.

I am beyond greatful I get to love children who give me so much joy.

I am glad I want to help others. You never know how you affect someone you serve.

I am proud to be a hard worker.

I am glad I care so much because it makes me passionate. 

I wish the devil would just leave me alone. Unfortunately I know he won't. He thrives on making us feel tired, unloved, worthless, and under appreciated. 

Thankfully my moment of being tired only last a few hours. Whenever I feel tired of this life I have I need to lean on the who gave me this life and trust that He wouldn't put anything in my life that would produce these thoughts. 

The Enemy.

Temptation is straight from the enemy. He uses temptation to tease you, taunt you, manipulate your thoughts, cause you to worry, and deceive you. 

I gave in to temptation for months. I was teased with affection so I kept going back. I was taunted by feeling wanted. The enemy manipulated my thoughts by making me believe it was ok, I was just having fun. I was constantly worried about many things. I was completely and utterly deceived by the enemy. After all, his deceitful thoughts are what got me there in the first place. He is the one who made me feel unworthy, unloved, and lonely. I chose to act on those temptations, but he is the one who first placed those thoughts in my head. 

My eight months of pure ridiculous behavior (refer to the blog titled GRACE) included several different guys. It's not something I say proudly. It's actually rather embarrassing for me. None of them meant anything to me and I meant nothing to them. 

One of them I cannot let go. I haven't given in to temptation in four months, but I'm telling you I have felt tempted. I have prayed for him and I've prayed about him. I have no desire to see him. So why can't I just let him go? Why can't I just stop talking to him? The things he said to me and the way he treated me over those eight months should make it easier to let go. 

When you're trying your hardest is when the enemy creeps back in. He fills your head with nonsense. This time I want to be done. I want to be done with this guy so bad. I need to be done with him. 

The devil doesn't come dressed in a red cape with horns. He comes as everything you ever wished for. Pray with me for me to have wisdom and discernment. 

And to be like Elsa and "Let it gooooooo!" 

Affirmation.

I adore the children I work with. They fill my heart with so much love. They are the funniest, sweetest, most loving children. Unfortunately there are times when they just get a little wild, rambunctious, loud, and forget how to listen and make good choices.

It never fails that right after I get on to someone for their behavior I hear a gentle voice say, "Miss Corey, I love you."

Majority of the time this child isn't even the one I had to get on to. She needs that affirmation from me. She needs to know even though I'm frustrated I still love her. That I still love all of them. There is no doubt in my mind that they know I love them. They need to know I'm not mad enough to stop loving them.

I've needed that affirmation from God before. During my darkest moments, those 8 months when I was lost, I needed to know that God still loved me. Even though I was not being the best person, I needed affirmation that He still loved me even though I felt unlovable. 

God loved me before I came to know Him. God loved me when I tried to rush his timing and failed miserably. God loves me now. He will love me when I mess up again. He loves me because He knows me. He knows my heart. He loves me and I love Him. 

I hope my room full of children know I will always love them. Even when they spit on the floor, hit their friend, throw wood chips at the bumble bee for the 100th time, I will still love them because those things don't make them who they are. 

GRACE.

For 8 months I was not myself. No one knew the pain I was feeling. No one knew how I really felt behind my smile. No one knew what I was doing. They didn't know because I was ashamed, embarrassed, and wanted to avoid judgement. 

You see, I had become tired. I was tired of feeling lonely and depressed. I was surrounded by people but I was alone. I conjured up the ridiculous idea that if I wasn't married with children by the time I was 30 then my life was meaningless. 

I decided that God was taking too long. For years I prayed for someone to share my life with, someone to love, someone to grow closer to God with, and children of my own to love. 

I decided I'd find him on my own. That was the worst decision I could have made. 

For 8 months I tried to fill the void in my heart with this guy, that guy, this guy again... so forth and so on. I was headed down a terrible path. I wanted so badly to talk about it, for someone to help me, but I was too foolish to ask. 

Finally, I talked to God. I actually talked to him A LOT in those 8 months. I asked him to give me the strength to stop. I knew what I was doing was wrong. The void in my heart didn't get filled, but it got bigger. 

One day I finally decided to stop. I didn't deserve to be treated the way I was being treated. 

I also prayed a very hard prayer. I asked God to give me the strength and courage to accept that the things I want may not be in His will. I want to get married and have children, but I don't know if that's in my plan for life. The overwhelming relief I felt after that prayer was outstanding. 

During those 8 months God offered me grace countless times. More times than I deserved. That's what He does. Even though I was making terrible decisions and felt myself going away from Him; He was still right there every time and He still loved me. 

Suddenly His love became enough. My void was gone. My heart was full. 

I turn 30 this year. I'm nowhere close to being married or having children. Only God knows if I ever will. 

You know what? I'm just fine with that now. The path to being fine with that got really rocky, but my God never left my side! 

Some may call it foolish and impossible

But for every heart it rescues, it's a miracle

It's nothing less than scandalous

This love that took our place

Just call it what it is, call it grace

-"Call it Grace" - Unspoken

To tell you my story... is to tell of Him! Part 2.

I'd like to start by sharing my favorite Bible verse. 

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will hold you up with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10.

I started with my favorite verse because I was once asked what my favorite one was. I didn't have one. I hastily replied with John 3:16 because I knew that one. It was the only one I knew.

I didn't grow up in church. I didn't know much about the Bible. I didn't  know how it felt to have Jesus in my life. I hadn't been to church since I was a little girl. Having a relationship with Jesus was something I really didn't understand. I didn't know what it felt like to have faith in God.

When God started working on my heart I was hesitant at first. I felt like because I didn't grow up in church, because I was already in my 20s, that it was too late. I missed my opportunity. I couldn't be a good christian.

My story of how I came to know Christ began when I just finished college.

I graduated in December of 2008 with my degree in Early Childhood Education. I was excited. I was ready to teach. I had a huge collection of books, supplies, and so many ideas. I even planned the theme of my future classroom.

My plans were shattered when I didn't pass the certification test. It was a huge disappointment. I wasn't going to get the job I hoped for. The job I had worked so hard for. The job I knew I would be passionate about. The job I knew I would be great at.

All of my friends passed the test. They got teaching jobs. They were all loving it.

I did get a job. I wasn't happy. I came home and cried every day. It wasn't where I wanted to be.

God had other plans for me, much bigger plans. Little did I know what He had in store for me.

The day I decided I couldn't work there anymore a friend called me about a job opening at a preschool in a church. I interviewed and got hired. I had no idea that this job at St. Mark would change my life forever.

God knew what He was doing. He put me where I needed to be right when I needed to be there.

I knew I wanted a job working with children. God knew I needed to know Him. God knew St. Mark would be the place I would develop my relationship with Jesus.

Soon St. Mark became my home. The people and their children became my family. I began to understand how much my heavenly Father loves me. I knew what it felt like to have a family. Coming from a broken family and growing up fatherless this meant so much to me.

I think about life before I accepted Jesus into it and I can't imagine how I managed to enjoy it.

I never thought I'd live a life so passionate about my job, children, God, and my church.

Having faith in God hasn't made my life easier by any means. It has made it better. I know that no matter what problems, heartache, or disappointments I have that He will uphold me with his righteous right hand.

Next month I will have been at St. Mark for seven years. Seven years ago I didn't have a favorite Bible verse. Seven years ago I was upset because I wasn't getting the job I wanted. Seven years ago I was disappointed because things were not going my way.

What I actually got was so much more. I got a relationship with Jesus. I got a church family. I got more than I ever thought I would. I got more than I ever thought I deserved.

Sometimes you have to have that moment when God stops you and shows you what He wants you to have.

I didn't know it then but that phone call from my friend about the job at St. Mark was God stopping me and showing me what He wanted me to have.

It didn't matter that I was 22 years old. It didn't matter that I didn't grow up in church. It didn't matter that I hadn't been to church in years. It didn't matter that I didn't have a favorite Bible verse. God wanted me to he His. He never stops wanting you, fighting for you, and loving you.

Through St. Mark and Emmaus I have been shown how to love, how to be compassionate, and how to serve others.

I've become more confident, loving, forgiving, helpful, and courageous.

I've done things I never thought I could do.

I am a better person.

Recently I read a quote in The Resolution for Women that perfectly describes my life.

"Sometimes the greatest miracle of all is the one that happens in your own heart, the change that takes place in you and then surprises you as it filters into the seams and fabric of your whole life. The effects of a changed person on her surroundings can be staggering."

I can't wait to see where God takes me next.

To tell you my story... is to tell of Him! Part 1.

Public speaking has never been easy for me. I remember doing terrible on my speeches in my public speaking class in college. The older I've gotten the easier it has become. 

In January I shared my testimony with my local Emmaus community. I was so nervous to speak in front of people. God was telling me I needed to tell people my story of how I came to know Jesus. I was blessed to have people praying for me and with me, friends there to hear it, and my boss for making me practice several times. I was still incredibly nervous. You know how you feel like your body is just shaking on the inside? That's how I was the entire time I was talking. 

I had so many people come up to me that night and tell me how good it was. People came up to me at church later on and told me how good it was. The most amazing thing from that night was a young guy who was touched by it. 

First, let me give you a short side story. There were people there I knew would cry hearing my story. I knew I couldn't look at them or I would cry. "My people" from church were to the left of me, to the right of me, and directly in front of me. Where in the world could I look without focusing on one of them?

So, I focus on this young guy directly in front of me. I didn't know him. I had never seen him before. I figured he was a safe person to look at. Until shortly into my talk I look at him and he is crying. Hard. After that I just looked at the back wall.

He came up to me afterwards and said he could relate to a lot of the things I said. Our conversation ended with him taking my copy of my talk because he said it was something he'd like to read again. 

That's how God does things. He lays something on your heart that He wants you to do for yourself but at the same time there are others out there that may need it too.

I'll share my testimony in my next post. 

I'm not good at talking to people.

In case you don't know, I am absolutely terrible at small talk with people. Do I want to tell people about my life? Yes! Do I need to talk with people about my heartaches? Absolutely! Aniexty creeps in and I just can't. I keep things to myself and tell a few people the bare minimum. I hate that it makes me nervous to talk to people, even those I'm very close with. 

I decided a blog would be best for me. You can read it. You can not read it. I don't have to say it to your face. Haha.

Stay tuned! I have a lot I've been needing to say.